Jokes


Jokes

Jokes, free games, puzzles, fun stories and pictures, and humor about sex, Scots, policemen, doctors and so on for your entertainment, to make your days more amusing and relaxing. Only the best for you and exclusively free.
 

On these fun pages you will find a nice collection of fun and free jokes. Come back frequently to find the last fun. If you'd like to help growing this collection, send your jokes using Contact page.

 

Do you know this one?
A jokes fun club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.                          

The best jokes about sex

Sex and sexual activities are the world movers, so let enjoy them either in jokes.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Scots, a father and his son, go to America.
- Daddy, when we’ll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

 


- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

 


A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

 


While a Scot is pissing, a pound falls into the toilet. Desperately, he looks at the pound and asks himself whether a pound is worth getting his hands dirty. After thinking for a while, he takes 10 pounds out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.
-Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven pounds!

 

Short jokes

Collection of short and one-liner jokes, easy to remember.
 

An American:
- We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
An Italian:
- We have Silvio Berlusconi, no wonder, no hope and no cash.

 


- All is a shitting, except the pissing, but the pissing becomes a shitting if you piss against the wind.

 

 


- Why didn't the sailors play cards?
- Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

 


- Why dwarfs laugh while they play the soccer?
- Because the grass tickles their balls!

 


- What is the difference between the tires Good Year and 365 used condoms?
- 365 used condoms are VERY good year.

 


- What Bill Gates' wife says him when they make love?
- Bill, you are so MICRO, you are so SOFT.

 


A group of spermatozoa march. Unexpectedly, the spermatozoon guides stops:
- Stop! Treason! The ass!!!

 


- Who has invented the love?
- The poor, so they can fuck for free.

 


Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

 


Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: She is expecting triplets.
Very bad: You were sterilized five years ago.

 


Good: Your wife doesn't talk to you.
Bad: She wants divorce.
Very bad: She is a lawyer.

 


Good: Your son is growing up.
Bad: He has a relationship with a whore from the neighborhood.
Very bad: Just like you.

 

 


Good: You are explaining to your daughter about birds and bees.
Bad: She interrupts you.
Very bad: And corrects you.

 


Good: Your son has a serious relationship.
Bad: The relationship is with a man.
Very bad: With your best friend.

 


Good: Your daughter has a good job.
Bad: She is a whore.
Very bad: She earns much more than you.

 


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You have found porn videos in his room.
Very bad: You and your wife are the main actors.

 


Jokes about Scots

it truth that the Scots are skinflints? These jokes say YES!

 

 

Two Scots, a father and his son, go to America.

 

- Daddy, when we’ll arrive?
- Shut up and swim.

 


- Why do Scots watch porn films from the end to the beginning?
- Because they like a happy ending, when the prostitute gives the money back to the client.

 


A Scot came back from work earlier than usual and saw a plumber's car in the front of his house.
- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

 


While a Scot is pissing, a pound falls into the toilet. Desperately, he looks at the pound and asks himself whether a pound is worth getting his hands dirty. After thinking for a while, he takes 10 pounds out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.
-Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven pounds!

 

More jokes

The jokes again, because the life is too short to be considered too seriously.
 

Two friends:
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.

 


A man at the doctors:
-Doctor, I have diarrhea and it won’t go away!
-Did you try using a lemon?
-Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

 


- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed.

 


A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

 


Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

 


In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

Policemen in action

The police protect us and make us laugh, so let see what our policeman are doing!

Two policemen are going to work:
- Shall we take a bus or walk?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.

 


A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

 


- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.

 


Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

 


On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.

 


A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

 

Adult jokes

- Why farmers have it bigger than the guys from city?                                

- ???
- Because they haven't had toys!

 


Two girls:
- Which is the best contraceptive?
- An aspirin.
- ???
- Take an aspirin, put it between the knees and keep it tight.

 


A bachelor has no belly because when he opens a fridge he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes to the bed.
Married man has belly because when he comes to the bad he says:
- "Fuck it, the same again!" and then goes and opens the fridge.

 


A guy comes to his friend and finds him beating his dick with a hammer.
- What are you doing?
- I'm masturbating.
- Masturbating with a hammer!? Are you enjoying it at all?

- Yes, each time I miss it.

 

Funny Pictures

A lazy bear

Overload

Funny cow

I like the beer

 

Jokes about Animals

Stories about animals are often stories about us, human beings.
 

A man walks a snail on leash and meets one his friend. Friend tells him:
- What a beautiful snail you have.
- I had one more beautiful but it escaped.


 


A panda walks into a bar, goes right to the counter, grabs a sandwich and after having eaten it he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the bartender. Then, as though nothing had happened, he walks out. Everyone in the bar is sitting all speechless and petrified but suddenly someone breaks the silence:
-What a hell was that?!?
Comes a sorrowful voice:
-It was a panda.
-???
-Perhaps you don't know what a panda is... It's a mammal that eats, shoots, and leaves.

 


- How hedgehogs mate?
- Carefully, very, very carefully!

 


- Which animal has two gray legs, and two brown legs?
- Elephant that has diarrhea!

 


The life is full of surprises, tells a hedgehog, and gets down from a brush.

 


- What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?
- To get a diarrhoea!

 


There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:
- What happened to this one?
- I don’t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

 


It's hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits under the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.
A wolf passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
A vixen passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill a bear.
- ???
The bear passes by.
- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?
- I am sharpening this stick and bullshiting.

 

 

Fun Stories

Here are some funstories for your entertainment.


 

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is. 
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!


 


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz."
A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
(Guys, that's a joke!)

 


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. 
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. 
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. 
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

 

Jokes again

Jokes Again isn’t a great title for this webpage, but my creativity isn’t always at the top. The most important thing is that the jokes present here make laugh, and I hope that some old humor will do it.
 

During the cold war the fear of communism and Soviet influence was prevalent in most of the Western world countries. The following conversation takes place in the office of the President of the United States.
- Mr. President, the Russians have just landed on the Moon and started painting it red! They are working fast - a quarter of the Moon is already finished!
- Ok, so what is the problem?
- But Mr. President, if they make it all red, the communist symbol will hang over heads of the entire world population!
- Don’t worry about it, just let them work.
Two days later, the adviser storms into President’s office again.
- Mr. President, they are almost done with the first half!
- No worries, just let them keep going.
Later that week, the same adviser sadly declares to the President.
- Mr. President, if you look up, you’ll notice that the Moon is completely red now. The Russians are done.
- Ok, now that they are done, please send one of our shuttles and have them write "Coca-Cola" right across.


 


A man walks by the sea and suddenly hears someone yelling:
- Help, help! I’m drowning, I don’t know how to swim!
He turns around, notices a man drowning, and asks:
- Parla Italiano?
The drowning man says:
- Si, si! Parlo Italiano! Aiuto, per favore!
- You idiot! It would have been better for you to learn how to swim than to learn Italian.

 


Little Mario comes back from the school crying.
- Mum, everybody in the school calls me "mafioso".
- Don’t worry, my son. Tomorrow I will go to see the principal.
- Thank you mum. Please make it look like an accident.

 

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